Judy Collins, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judy_Collins “My Father”
Unlike Judy Collins I did not going boating with my father. I did not go to Paris with him either. I don’t remember us doing any traveling together at all. As a child I saw more of him at my grandmother’s house than our home.
My father did not abuse me. He never laid a hand on me. I don’t remember him touching me at all. He must have picked me up when I was child, I just don’t remember it happening.
He lived through hard times, the Great Depression and World War ll. He worked six, sometimes seven days a week to pay for my mothers medical bills, she had a bad heart. I can think of these reasons for his absence now. It was something I never thought of as a child.
I was born during World War ll. My father was in the navy, serving on a ship in the south pacific at the time. The first time he saw me I was over 1 year old. I have been told that when he first picked me up I cried. Our relationship never got any better. I went through therapy later and was told that I may have seen him as an rival for my mothers love. That may be true, maybe that’s just psycho-babble.
I know I loved my grandmother. Whenever my mother was in the hospital, about half her life, I stayed with my grandmother. I can remember her holding my in her arms. I cried when she died. I was nine.
I loved my mother. Her doctors told her she would not live past her teenage years. She lived to be 36. They told her she should not have children, it could kill her. That didn’t stop her from having me and my sister Lynn. I would not be here if my mother had listened to her doctors. She died when I was 13, it took me a long time to get over it.
When my father died at the age 76 the emotion I felt was relief.
Everyone I know who knew my father said what a great guy he was. Always a smile on his face. His nickname was “Sunny”. My mother and my step-mother both loved him deeply. All our relatives and my step-mother’s liked him as well. I don’t think I ever felt love for him. The angry young boy I was it probably was hard to love me. I doubt I would have loved me then.
I can remember happy moments with my mother. I can remember many happy moments with my grandmother and with my aunt and the uncles I stayed with after my grandmother died. When my mother was in the hospital my sister stayed with my mother’s father. He had a small apple orchard in Maine. I can’t remember any happy moments with my father.
I went to a Protestant Church while my mother was alive. After she died my father asked me to join his church, the Roman Catholic Church. He said he had been told he would be ex-communicated if I didn’t. I became a Catholic. I did try to reach out to God. I never reached out to my father, nor him to me.
Before I swallowed some pills I prayed to God one last time. I never thought of talking to my father.
After I throw-up the pills I decided I needed to have a plan to deal with life. I used reason and logic and it worked. I have experience moments of unadulterated joy. None of those moments were with my father.
He had a nervous breakdown several years before his death. I spent every Sunday at his house. I saw this as my duty, an obligation. It was not done out of love.
I was with him in his hospital room the night he died. My last words to him were harsh. The last words he heard were not of love. As I said when he died I felt relief. He probably did as well.
If I could relieve one moment in my life that would be it. It still bothers me when I think of it. Maybe I did love my father.
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January 31, 2008 at 1:18 am
oneDirection
Ed, thanks for sharing that. I don’t have much to say but that I completely understand your thoughts, and to a certain degree your feelings. You are always telling me how strong I am but I have an odd feeling that you are stronger 🙂
January 31, 2008 at 1:41 am
edfromct
Hi Rachele, thanks for stopping by. I don’t think I am any stronger, I am just older and have experienced more.
Have doing something we regret later in life can help us keep humble. As long as we don’t dwell on it.
Past mistakes are proof we have been far from perfect. What really counts however is that we learn and use these lessons to make the world a better place.
By coaching young girls and help sick people in the ER you are off to a great start.
January 31, 2008 at 2:42 am
Brandy
awww Ed, this just made my heart break for you! Especially the last line, “maybe I did love my father.” That took my breath away, really. I wanted to reach out to the little boy who lost his grandma and mom at such a young age.
Thank you for sharing that story. Like Rachele, I get it. Been there, done that. At times I feel that way about my own father, “maybe I do love my father.” I don’t know.
I love when you say that before you took the pills you prayed to God one last time…..and then you threw them up. Thank God you did throw them up! 😀 I certainly do. 😉
I feel like I know you a little bit more after reading this. Thank you friend. 😀
January 31, 2008 at 4:26 am
darla
Ed-this is written so well and so much of your heart is in it. For me I tend to forget that Fathers are people too, and they make bad choices. I grew up similiar, and only now that my Father has been gone the last 11 years, have I learned to forgive him, and for the first time feel any kind of love for him. I am experiencing the freedom of laying it down, and becoming all that I can with what is left of my earthly days. I used to compare God to my Father, and think they were similar, but I am so glad they are not! Love you Ed, and I really like your blog. 🙂
January 31, 2008 at 11:01 am
oneDirection
Ed, if it were not for all my mistakes I would not be the person I am today. Learning from them is the most important thing, I agree with you on that, Great site by the way! Looking forward to reading everything!
January 31, 2008 at 12:35 pm
edfromct
Hi Darla, thanks for the kind words about my post.
“I am experiencing the freedom of laying it down, and becoming all that I can with what is left of my earthly days.”
That is exactly what we need to do. When we feel we have been mistreated by someone close to us, it can be very hard to get past it. It was for me. The more what happened bothers us the more important it is to work on getting past.
It is also very hard to see things from their point of view. I think that is a step we have to take. Playing the blame game I don’t think does any good. Sometimes the person we were hurt by does deserve our anger. Getting past that anger is even more important. Holding anger inside ourselves can eat out our hearts. For our own sakes we can’t let that happen.
January 31, 2008 at 1:50 pm
tam
Isn’t it interesting that from all the commenter’s to this post none have had positive father experiences. At least nothing to boast about. It’s a sad reality for far too many.
I refer to my father as “sperm donor”. Any man can do that part – but not every man can be a father. When I met God, the Father, I realized instantly I was not fatherless and I no longer felt like an orphan.
Ed, I think you cared for your father. I think you felt deeply for something regarding him. I think this post identifies that. I have said before that i think about your situation with your father quite frequently. Your story penetrated my very soul the first time you shared it. I believe there are no coincidences in life. I believe that everything we endure it “can” be for our benefit or the benefit of others. To grow us. To reach out an change our community, our culture, by our experiences…if we let them.
January 31, 2008 at 4:17 pm
edfromct
Tam, it was your encouragement that motivated me to create my blog. Thank you for that.
If the Christian community is right about God and heaven then I believe my father is there. He now knows that I don’t hate him.
If I am right and there is no life after death then my words are now out on the world of the Internet. Someone might read them and learn from my experience. That also gives me comfort.
January 31, 2008 at 6:36 pm
1godsgal
Hi Ed, I can’t relate to how you feel about your Father. I have been truly blessed by a Daddy that made me feel like a queen my whole life, and even to this day, still holds me like I’m a precious jewel to Him. I think maybe I have an easier time because of that, understanding what my Heavenly Father is like, because of the image my earthly Father has given me. But, we have all had people hurt us, close people, and your choosing to share it and help others with it, what a blessing that is to me.
Your last line caught me, made me cry and I wanted to reach through this stupid screen to give you a hug. I believe you loved your Dad, and that he loved you. Thank you so much for your transperancy, I feel like I’ve known you a long time…:)
January 31, 2008 at 6:41 pm
edfromct
Gods Gal, thanks for the hug. We can never get enough hugs. 🙂
You are one of the most caring people I know. I knowing you I feel blessed.
January 31, 2008 at 6:42 pm
edfromct
Ain’t got no grammer today. 🙂
Correction:
“In” knowing you I feel blessed.”
January 31, 2008 at 6:48 pm
1godsgal
You make it easy Ed, I hope you’ll always be as real as you were with this post, it’s one of the things I love most about you….that ok, my emoticon ain’t workin’ either…. 😀
January 31, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Darla
🙂 grammar is over rated..hugs are better! cyber hugs ED!
March 6, 2008 at 9:19 am
ric booth
Ed, I saw the title of this post and had to click and read. Your story brings back so many memories of my broken relationships with my dad and my step-dad.
At my grandfather’s funeral I ran into my dad (since it was his father’s funeral). I was 17 and pretty much despised my dad for abandoning us when I was 5. When my mom introduced us she said, “Ric, this is your father.” She probably should have said, “this is Alan” but she was struggling through the moment with her own issues. I locked eyes with my dad and as soon as I saw some hope in his eyes I turned and abandoned him right back.
At the time I think I felt victorious; the 5 year boy getting even at last. That moment would bother me for over 20 years. The 5 year old boy inside me who loves his dad and so wanted an excuse to hug his dad… he wanted that moment back badly. I think I might post my father(s) story now too.
March 6, 2008 at 11:20 am
edfromct
It is very hard to not to let hate dictate how we react to someone who hurt us in the past. Especially a child being abandoned by their father.
Forgiveness is a much healthier action than revenge, for ourselves if not for the person who hurt us. That’s a very hard thing to overcome however. I wasn’t able to. I would have been a better person if I had.
It can also helps us if by speaking to our father we get a better understanding of why they left us in the first place.
March 6, 2008 at 11:21 am
My Father’s Son I Am « ric booth - poet, writer, speaker
[…] March 6, 2008 in Family, Poetry I will be blogging a some about the father relationships (yes, plural) in my life. I feel compelled to go this direction after reading a blogger’s recent story of his relationship with his father (My Father, edfromct.wordpress.com). […]
June 19, 2008 at 9:25 pm
therealstorie
Ed, I am so sorry for all you have been through. I will pray for you that you will feel the presence of God deep within your being….that the little boy that was starving for so long will be nurtured and fed and made whole. I hope I am not being offensive:–)
I believe that you did love your father. We learn from a very young age to build walls around us that protect us from feeling. You are obviously a very sensitive and caring person, yet through the pain and loss you experienced growing up, I could see how high and thick of a wall you must have built to survive. You are amazing…:–)
June 19, 2008 at 9:49 pm
edfromct
Thanks for your caring thoughts.
I agree that at first I did build some walls around my self to get past the problems of my youth. I also think I have been taking those walls down as I have gain confidence in my ability to deal with life’s problems.
I am now very happy with my life and see no need to change.
Warning – religious rant. 🙂
One reason I have a negative view of the impact of religion on the world is because it is one of the barriers people build between themselves and their neighbors. We think of ourselves as being Christian, Jew, Muslim or black, white and brown. We are American, Russian or Japanese. It is only when we are able to remove the barriers of race, religion and nationality and think of ourselves as one race, the human race, that we will be able to work together in peace and not conflict.